If you hate the sport, and Beyonce’s lips aren’t enough to get you in sync, then you’re one of the millions of ‘mos around the world who are left in the clubhouse each winter. Not anymore: We here at GuySpy have come up with the top ten best things to do on Super Bowl Sunday besides watch the game. Read on for touchdown tips.
Ten: Movie Make-Out. Even if the N-17 Seventeen documentary “Ben Bends It for Beckham” were premiering, you’d be able to get front-row seats at the last minute—3-D glasses, natch. The breeders don’t do cinema on Super Bowl Sunday, and, whatever flick you pick, you and your own date can practice all the right moves in the back row.
Nine: Go to Town. Can’t get a reservation at that trendy new restaurant? Surprise; there’ll be tables from dusk till dawn. One caveat: Do not pick a place with a flat screen TV. You might still get in, but the bartender’s likely to serve you only at half-time.
Eight: Stream On. You’re out of the loop because you’ve never seen “American Horror Story,” “Homeland,” or “Downton Abbey”? Invite a few friends over, spring for popcorn and (light) beer, and tune in to TV’s best entertainment. Tomorrow, you too will have plenty to talk about at the virtual water cooler.
Seven: Steam Heat. Hit the gym, guys. Only the most secure heteros will be caught dead working out during the Super Bowl, and the rest of the men will be exercising their right to play with balls. Now’s the time to find if that cutie you’ve been eyeing in the locker room is on your team.
Six: Be a Team Player. Hit a gay sports bar, get stinking drunk, throw up on strangers, scream obscenities to no one in particular, tell every guy in the room that you love him, and go home with a dude who makes “The Walking Dead” zombies look hot. In other words, imitate Gay Pride Day!
Five: Coming Out Party. Wait till a point in the game that seems particularly tense, and tell your dad you’re gay. If his team loses, he’ll be in such mourning that he’ll be able to put a gay son into proper perspective. If his teams wins, well… hell, his son’s gay but his team won! Chances are it won’t come up again until his buzz—or hangover—wears off.
Four: Foul Play. Fill up your facebook newsfeed with posts about Oscar hopefuls, fashions, predictions, and snubs! This is a great chance to weed out the people you don’t care for much—they’ll un-friend you—and to practice for the Real Sunday Night event on the 24th.
Three: MDN-GAY. Has it only been a year? Get all your Material Girlfriends together and have a video and concert-streaming marathon. Why? Because you L-O-V Madonna! For extra fun, sing “She’s Not Me” during Beyonce’s half-time performance.
Two: Touch, Down. One team has to lose, so find a nearby straight bar (preferably Irish), a sad hot jock (preferably plastered), and console him (preferably by offering to take him home). Tomorrow morning he may have lost two things….
One: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em… Go to that Super Bowl Party you’ve been dreading. Ask for sushi instead of chips and dips, then request a dry martini with olives or a nice glass of Merlot. Once seated (up-front), ask “Now who’s playing?” repeatedly, and cheer for both teams. When a favorite player scores a touchdown, weep openly because you’re quite certain he’s going to suffer brain damage in a few years. Yep, you won’t be invited back…