My Advice For The Royal Baby, By Aristotle Eliopoulos

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July 28, 2013
11:21 a.m.

As an obsessor of pop culture, there are only a couple of things that fascinate me more than a celebrity baby. My favourite – and the queen of celebrity babies overall (sorry, Blue Ivy) – is Suri Cruise, the child of Katie and Tom. Suri is the quintessential celebrity child, not because she was the first celebrity baby ever (I see you over there, Lourdes), but because she feels like the first of a new generation of celebrity children.

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With the growing popularity of the paparazzi, TMZ, and celebrity online gossip overall, Suri felt like the baby that broke the restrictions of how we can look at a Hollywood child. With Suri, paparazzi went from saying, “Of course I can snap a picture of you on the red carpet!” to, “Hey, if I can photograph a child who can’t even recognize shapes yet, why can’t I snap a picture of your crotch getting out of a car? Oh, no panties? I smell a comma in my paycheck!”

When I view a celebrity child, I always calculate how much I should care about them by using Suri as a point of reference. However, with the birth of Prince George Alexander Louis, the child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William and Kate Middleton, I now have to figure out a new way of gauging the importance of a famous child. Unlike many of the Apples, Shilohs, and even Irelands of the world, he holds one exclusive trait that sets him above the rest: He is also royalty and an heir to a pretty-big deal of a monarchy! There’s not enough Mission Impossible money to undermine that.

Much like I can guarantee a Bret Easton Ellis party will have cocaine, I can guarantee that observing Suri grow up into a teenager will be interesting to watch. But while I worry for Suri’s first failed fashion line, her first feature-film flop, and her first hit of whatever new drug Jaden Smith will offer her when Katie isn’t looking, I don’t worry about it in the same magnitude as I do for Prince George.

Sure, it’s all fun and games when you know that 16-year-old Suri’s first scandal will have her hiding away in her room, shopping for something cute online at Luisaviaroma, only to return in a cute Saint Laurent dress with the scandal long forgotten. But what happens when you’re expected to be the future of an entire country and scandal hits? Diana, George’s late grandmother, handled her scandal and divorce as well as she could, and we all know how that turned out.

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Will Cruise have control?

All I can offer is a few wise bits of advice in order for future Prince George to stay out of trouble. First, Georgie will need to avoid the bad influences of all his celebrity baby peers. For starters, avoid the children whose famous parents have done on-screen, full-frontal nudity. Not because this means they are bad parents, it’s just that there’s a risk they have seen their mom’s junk and trunk and may be taking out their psychological damage on the nearest heir to a royal throne.

So George, stay away from: Maddox, Shiloh and – who am I kidding? – all of the Jolie-Pitt clan, Mia Honey, North West (duh), and, of course, Apple, who after walking in on her mom during an at-home colonic, will have some issues. As for Madonna’s daughter Lourdes, let’s see how’s she’s doing in 15 years. For a child whose mother released a coffee table book called Sex, and who’s made a career out of breaking every sexual taboo in the book, Lourdes seems to be quite well adjusted. Maybe exposure skips a generation.

Also, don’t discredit the advice of some of our greatest rock stars’ tell-all books. While I can tell you Keith Richards’ Life and Anthony Kiedis’ Scar Tissue will be great reads to scare you straight from the scary roads of Mary-Kate Avenue and Lindsay Lohan Boulevard, also try some of these future reads that will no doubt be out once you hit your teens: Robert Downey Jr.’s Not So Iron Man, Charlie Sheen’s Winning! (Until I was Losing), and Ozzy Osbourne’s [inaudible mumbling].

Lastly, listen to your parents! Any woman who will get her favourite Zara dress tailored to fit her while she’s pregnant will only have your best interests in mind. And the sensibility to keep you on the right path. Also, you know Queen Elizabeth II will be a great-grandmother you don’t want to throw your tarter sauce at. Listen to your mom, or a woman who has lived through the second world war will no doubt have some punishment that will keep your royal diapers shit-filled with fear until you learn to use the throne (and I don’t mean the royal one).

Welcome to the world, George Alexander! It took a lot out of me to avoid Seinfeld/Jason Alexander jokes, so you know that I have the most respect for you and only wish you the best! Please expect my gift – a customized bib that says Royal Badass – in the mail. If you don’t receive it, it’s only because I couldn’t pay the postage, and I never sent it.

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