Homemade Dildo: Memories Of Early Self Exploration

Guest Guyd
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Guest Guyd
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September 3, 2014
6:00 a.m.

400x300_MissTiger_LeadImageStory Courtesy Of Miss Tiger

It all began not so long ago in a sunny bathroom with a Renuzit solid air freshener. There I was, in all of my kinderqueen inventiveness, greedily exploring prepubescent self gratification with a fragranced jelly cone. I think of it as my-very-own homemade predecessor to the Fleshjack. Back then, the pleasure felt new and fabulous, but my obsession didn’t do much for keeping the bathroom fresh, and also had its drawbacks. The sting of the fragrant chemicals was the unfortunate penance for having used the retractable room deodorizer as my bitch, and although I would try my best to keep the jelly blob intact, removing it from its stem and fucking the hell out of it made for an awkward looking mush. I wonder if anyone ever caught on to it. Who knows? At least, these dalliances contributed to my becoming an awesome top.

But what about the other horny tween boys? How do they play with their peaches? I’m not sure why, but it seems that as young men, we feel the need to stick things up our butts to see how real gay sex feels. In the course of my career as a sex columnist, I’ve heard it all, hunty. Many of the gay boy confessionals about D.I.Y. dildos that I’ve received involve everything from the TV remote control to the bathroom faucet, to momma’s reusable douche bottle and big sister’s round barrel hair brush, to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures and Atari joysticks (They didn’t call it a joystick for nothing). Here, some of my favorite stories.

Like just about every gay teen bottom, Scott from Atlanta lost his virginity to Frank. Frank, as in the Ball Park frank. “My mom thought I loved hot dogs so much because we were always running out of them,” Scott writes. “What she didn’t know was that I was dildo-ing myself with them on the nights she worked late.”  Surely, there’s more than one Scott out there.  I feel sorry for the boys who actually thought warming it up in the microwave would make it feel more life-like. Bobby from Detroit recalls: “When I was seventeen, a heated-up hotdog broke in half because I was too rough with it. It burned my ass worse than the first time I took my first 10-inch cock many years later.”

Another future size queen, Jeremy from Dallas, chose Grandma’s forest green 12-inch taper candle from the Avon holiday collection as his training camp. “My first job was at a dollar store,” he writes, ‘I used to fantasize about really big dicks while restocking the candle section. I started out with the 8-inch ones, and worked my way up to the 4×12” pillars.” Jeremy was too young to know it, but he was already serving some serious Folsom-Street-Fair-Realness.

Another reader wrote to me about his BaByliss flat iron that doubled as a homemade dong.  “I tied the hair straightener together with the cord,” says the (anonymous) gentleman. “I covered it with lube, and went at it. I let myself go so much so that when I was about to come I realized I was covered in shit.”  It’s safe to assume this queen grew up to be a hairdresser. At least she learned her lesson: Make sure the way is clear before shoving anything up your ass!

One of the most awkward, but actually quite ingenious, homemade dildos I came across was a find from a reader named Hector, living in Ohio: “Back in the day, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial was my favorite film,” he writes. “My dad had some old toys bagged up to throw out. I saw my E.T. finger extender with the glowing fingertip. Right away, I thought of lotsa ways I could fuck myself with it. And that’s what I did from then on until I lost my virginity during sophomore year at OSU.”  E.T. phoned home alright — and Hector’s sphincter answered!

Now that the stroll down memory lane is ovah, let me end with saying that this nostalgic journey was meant to bring a smile to your face and not to encourage cheap bitches to regress back to homemade butt toys. As an adult, finding yourself spread-eagle in the ER while the resident doctor awkwardly extracts a Corona bottle from your ass is simply not cute. But boys will be boys!

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