If you’ve noticed a recent spike in prepubescent hormones or you’ve heard the shrieks of adolescent girls still waiting for the first visit from Aunt Flow, then you’re witnessing the impact of One Direction’s much-anticipated album release.
The band of bushy-haired, built-bodied boys pleased the once Beliebers with wit-free lyrics, auto-tuned melodies, and Twinky charm. Though few would tell you the band of merry men are talented, original, or even audible, they are cute and a little catchy. Their upbeat trivialities were not going to change the world, but it made excellent fodder for 14-year-old girls with access to their parents’ credit cards.
Their new album, Take Me Home, has all the same flaws with none of the former charm. While each of them did manage to reinvent their physical appearance, they demonstrate the same musical abilities as Brooke Holgan or Kevin Federline. The thing that aggravates me the most is knowing that, not only are they going to sell a billion copies, but children are going to grow up thinking this is good music. I am left wondering if they are even proud of their new album, or just excited about the revenue.
None of these boys know their way around a tune. Furthermore, their voices are not only inexperienced, but poorly paired. The producer’s solution is to dunk them in a heavy coat of spray tan and auto-tune until we can no longer tell the difference – or care. The result is an ambiguous puddle of mashed voices and mixed vocals. It wouldn’t surprise me if none of them were present in the recording process.
Their most recent single, “Little Things,” is intended to show a more down to earth acoustic version of the handsome quartet. Unfortunately, the only redeeming quality of this ditty is that the lyrics attempt to touch their adolescent audience on a deeper level. The goal is achieved, but (surprise!) they had no hand in the writing process. They have been accredited as “co-writers” on a few of the songs you never heard of, but their singles seem to have come from thin air.
Ultimately, if you want to watch a handful of playful Twinks bounce around in bow ties and bright smiles, either play their videos on silent or just watch Bel Ami porn.
If you disagree with me there is a comment section below, and I would love to hear what you thought of this year’s worst album, Take Me Home.