Sometimes you accept a commission without really thinking it through. So when my editor pinged and said “Fifty years of Doctor Who! Quick, do me something on the sexiest Doctors, Niall,” I accepted, only realizing after the fact that sexiness is pretty much the last thing that Doctor Who is about, the odd snog-for-the-sake-of-genetic-transfer notwithstanding.
]However, not being one to let good sense or appropriateness get in the way, I hereby present the definitive list of the Top Five Sexiest Doctors. May Rassilon forgive me,
5. Patrick Troughton
Ok, bear with me here. The second Doctor may not set everyone’s heart fluttering and we certainly need to talk about the hair, but Patrick Troughton’s eyebrows have got it going on, betraying a capacity for mischief that I would find irresistible after a few lemon drop martinis. Teamed with his shambolic dress sense and air of slight bewilderment, this is a Doctor who could charm me into….oh this is just WRONG.
4. Paul McGann
Must we continue? Oh alright then. At four we find the eighth Doctor, and I think we can all agree we’re on safer ground here because it’s Paul McGann, and it is a well known showbiz fact that all McGanns are a bit sexy, and none more so than Paul.
Eight was the first Doctor to kiss a companion – assuming you count Grace as a companion – and that brief moment provoked outrage because all of fandom intrinsically understood that the one person less likely than them to do any snogging was the Doctor.
And here he was, kissing a pretty lady because his new shoes fitted well, or something. Anyway, many of them have never gotten over it. Of course the Doctor has kissed lots of girls since then, but there is nearly always a good reason for it: to extract the time vortex (Rose), to confuse a space rhinoceros (Martha), to expel arsenic from his system (Donna). We’ll gloss over Madame de Pompadour, Amy Pond and River Song because actually those ones are fairly gratuitous. Sigh.
3. Christopher Eccleston
Because everyone likes a bit of rough don’t they? Eccleston is the stripped-back, no-nonsense, council estate Doctor, good for a knee-trembler by the bins. No, I can’t believe I’m saying this either.
2. David Tennant
So here’s the thing: Ten is, to a certain extent, the Doctor you fall in love with and take home to your mother (and if your mother happens to be Jackie Tyler, so much the better).
At times his tenure threatened to become like a photostory from “My Guy” magazine, what with all the requited and unrequited love flying about. But it’s not hard to fall for David Tennant’s incarnation, what with the magnificent hair and the suit made entirely from trousers.
1. Peter Davison
I’m a sucker for a gentleman, and the fifth Doctor was by far the most gentile version of the timelord we’ve yet encountered.
For that reason alone he earns his place at number one in this countdown, for politeness has charmed many a person into bed. On an entirely unrelated note, he also displayed a rather generous bulge in those tight, tight cricketing trousers – check out 1982’s “Black Orchid” if you don’t believe me. Phwoar, etc.
I feel dirty. Someone get me to the nearest Zero Room immediately.